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So, yesterday I signed a contract. My book ”World of Women” is being published as an audiobook! I don’t think I have fully wrapped my head around it because it is so hard to understand. Sure, my dream was to actually get a book published physically, like you can touch it and give it away as a gift to people but this is totally okay also, and a huge step in the right direction. If it goes well, the publisher said it might be printed further down the road.

It’s just dawning on me now that this means that potentially, in a few months, people will be able to listen to my book. The book that I’ve been working on since 2016 (yes, it’s true) and the book that, in so many ways, exposes me and shows people parts of me that I haven’t showed anyone before. Then again, that is what being an author is all about. If I wasn’t willing to expose my inner self, I would have another dream. I guess being a writer in large part means to be exposed, or maybe it’s a way to say things without actually saying it.

People do have a tendency to read too much into books as well. I know my book reveals things about me that is delicate but I also believe that people in general tends to think it reveals more than it actually does. In some ways I doesn’t matter, I guess. All I want is for people to listen to my book and enjoy as entertainment. Then, I will be happy.

When I leave the house in the morning, the stars are still out. This time of year. When I walk to the bus stop I sometimes look up and marvel at them. But I mostly forget. Sometimes because I’m busy with my phone. Isn’t that incredibly sad? What on my phone could possibly be more amazing than the stars in the sky? Just imagine how much we miss because we’re busy with our phones. It’s a lot. I think it really is a lot.

…is bad creativity. You know how I wrote last time about the fact that you should be careful to turn the thing you love into the thing you have to do? Well, it happened to me.

Challenging yourself to be organized and disciplined about your creativity is not a bad thing but it has to be done together with balance. Balance is so extremely important for your well-being. In my ”thousand-words-per-day” challenge quickly expanded into 2000 or even 3000 words per day. Which was fine. For a while. At some point along the way, the thing I first loved turned into the thing I had to do. It became forced creativity. Every moment on the train to work turned into an opportunity to create. An opportunity to maximize my productivity. At first, I liked it, then I was stressed by it. Most of all, I discovered that my train-time to and from work is my rest-time. The time where I process everything from the day, or prepare mentally for it. When I instead used that time for creating, I didn’t get that rest and preparation. I became unfocused, grumpy and tired.

So, needless to say, I took a break from that challenge. I haven’t written anything on the book today, I’m taking a break. I learned from my mistake.

Writing every day. And not just writing in general but writing a thousand words every day. That is a challenge. A challenge that I am totally up for! I’ve done it now, for a few days, and it’s really exciting. I’m learning tons. Since English is not my mother tongue, I’m learning new words, expanding my world and evolving my knowledge of the language every day now. I’m growing.

The thing I’m writing is a book. I’m writing it for an online publisher company that I signed this week. It’s exciting and I’m challenging myself in a very good way.

Challenging yourself like this is a hard balance. It easily turns into something stressful. Having a busy life with a full-time job and two small children makes it hard to reach a thousand words per day. Some days it doesn’t work. And some days you need to take a break from it. If the thing you love to do turns into something you feel like you have to do as soon as you have a break, it takes the fun out of it.

It’s Sunday today. This day has been great. We went into town to this awesome playground where the kids ran around for a couple of hours, using up some energy. Then we went to church, now we’re home again. Winding down after an intense day.

I talked with a friend about my need to create. I made the argument that every person has a need to create, in different ways of course, but it is put into us as a fundamental need. Not every one realizes this. Some people may never understand why they are unhappy or depressed even, but it might actually be the lack of creativity in their lives. I know I get insufferable when I don’t get to create. Most of all, I need to paint. Oils preferably. And it has been years. So many years since I last did it. I don’t even remember when I did it last. But I know that I need to do it again. Soon. Oh sorry, I’m so focused on myself right now that I wrote ”I” like a million times now… Sometimes that is necessary though, to focus on yourself. When I get to paint, I become a much better wife and mom. And person. Think about that for a minute. What do you need to do to be happy?

I don’t know if you can identify yourself as extrovert or introvert but I know I can. I am almost an extreme introvert. Most introverts probably have a few characteristics of an extrovert as well but I don’t. I am an extrovert in no way at all.

Being an introvert can be really exhausting. Especially since our everyday life is constructed in ways that doesn’t really fit an introvert. You have to be among people all the time, put yourself out there to get ahead, be social and outgoing, maintain a bunch of friendships by keeping in touch and so on. The list is long. Although, being an introvert person doesn’t mean that you don’t like people or don’t enjoy social gatherings, you can absolutely enjoy yourself among people and have a great time with other. It just exhausts you. Very much. If I get a weekend off, like off from being a mom and a wife, I don’t call people or plan to get together with friends. I plan to stay at home. Alone. In a big, quiet house. Because that is what I need to refuel my engine. That is what I enjoy. I would probably even avoid going to the store or interact with the neighbors over the mailbox.

Being an introvert has downsides, sure. For example, I think I’ve hurt people by not keeping in touch with them. I don’t know why that is, I just don’t. I don’t miss people or care very much about what they do or where they go in life. Unless they are very close to me of course. Which very few are. Very few. Except for my family I have like one or two that I’ve kept in touch with my whole life. And we don’t really keep in touch much. We see each other maybe once or twice a year. And that is enough. This doesn’t mean I don’t love people. I do. Of course I do. I’m an introvert, not a monster.

Being an introvert also has upsides. I’m for example very perceptive. Because I’ve spent a lot of time observing, listening, thinking, reflecting and analyzing. I stand in the background and I take it all in. It makes me very capable of seeing patterns, possible solutions to problems and issues needing to be solved. It makes me a very agreeable person who only attracts attention when it is absolutely necessary. It also makes me a person who does not end up in conflicts but rather solve conflicts between others.

The fact that I’m an introvert also has a lot to do with my choice of creative expressions. All creative things I do puts emphasis on the thong that I’m creating, not on myself. I stand in the background while my creations get the attention. I suits me very well.

I’m not going to pretend to be full of energy. Life right now drains me. Lately, I’ve been focusing on writing as a creative expression and although I enjoy it, it’s just not enough for me. I need to paint, I need the challenge, the color and the feeling of success when it turns out nice (and it almost always does, not to toot my own horn). I’m going to start with the oils again. That is what really completes me. Like that is what I was made for.

See you soon…

Do you know the feeling? That everything you have is just not enough? The full-time job that you love, the beautiful house you live in, the amazing kids who love you, the husband who’s always there for you. It is just… not… enough.

This is a feeling that I carry around. Not constantly, for sure, but it is always there, lurking in the shadows, ready to jump out and make you miserable. My theory is that this is typical for anyone who’s got creativity bursting out of their hearts. And the feeling is probably due to the fact that you never have enough time to practice your creativity fully. You can keep the need at bay – by stealing a few minutes here and there – but really, creativity is what completes you, it’s what refills you with energy and it is ultimately what gets you out of bed in the morning.

I’m convinced that I will never be fully content. Maybe if I one day can make a living out of my art or writing but for now – discontent.

Today is Friday. That is always a day to look forward to. I have had some good news today – I’ll tell you more later. Fridays otherwise look the same in our house. Tacos, then disco (for the kids), then popcorn and a movie. Once the kids fall asleep, me and my husband has some wine and cheese. That will be very soon now.

So, I’ve had some time to think about different things today. Probably because all the students at work were off running in the woods today whilst I stayed at school, studying (yes, I’m working and studying). But also because this student came by, she didn’t want to go running with the rest of them so she came to school. Since she is a bit of a troubled child we let her just hang out there. I tried to get her to read a book but she fell asleep on the couch after a few minutes. I let her. It was fine. You know why it was fine? Because that is what she needed, right there and then. And the school is obviously a safe space for her. She can come there and she can relax. She can take a nap. I think that is beautiful.

There are many ways to health, spiritual and physical. Some people spends a lot of time on physical health by working out or go running. Other people spend a lot of time doing what makes them feel complete. That might be painting, writing, singing or sewing, either way – some kind of creativity. I know what I need to feel good for instance. I need time to paint, write and crochet. To be creative is to feel good. And that is not weird, it is who we are and it is built into our DNA. Everyone has a need to create. Creativity has a central role in our society. It is everywhere we turn, from well made ads to a nicely structured building. When we choose which outfit to wear, we use our own creativity. Even when we put our makeup on, we use our knowledge of color matching and sense of beauty to make ourselves look better. Creativity is a tool we use to increase the quality of our lives. 

Historical background

It has always been like this. If we take a quick look at the ancient Egyptians we can see that beauty was very important to them. ”Vanity” can even be used to describe certain aspects of their culture. The Farao spent a lot of time with makeup and his looks. Cleopatra is still considered a beauty ideal – even though she’s been dead for 2050 years. The need to surround ourselves with beautiful things, to make beautiful things and to make ourselves look beautiful has been around since forever. It’s the creativity in us that creates that need. 

The first thing that happened in our history was creation. No matter what you believe, the earth was created – either through chance or through intelligent design – it became and it grew into something breathtaking. Ever since humans first came to life we have been creating for ourselves. First we were focused on function – like tools from stone and twigs. Then, we started discovering beauty. Function first – for sure, but then – beauty. The combination of the both has been, even to this day, preferred.

Art

The first art that we know of has the function of a diary. On the walls inside the caves where people used to live, thousands of years ago in the south of France, we can find drawings that tells the story of a day in the wild, hunting prey. The people back then drew what their minds were full of, just as people do today. For a long time, paintings served the purpose of documenting life and people. The artists that were hired were trusted to document life as well as making it look good, be beautiful. Their creativity contributed to the history of the world as well as the beauty of it. 

At some point in history, art evolved into something else. Probably when the camera was invented and photography became the tool to document things in pictures. Art, then, had an identity crisis and evolved into something that the cameras could not do. Since the function of it was basically lost it had to find a new purpose. The beauty of art became a larger part of its DNA. People kept on painting because they needed to, to feel like they did something meaningful and to keep being productive, to feel good. But art kept on being meaningful and as long as the cameras could only take black/white pictures art still hade the advantage of color. And beauty. Even today, art is popular for the sole aesthetics of it. People need it because it is beautiful.

Health through creativity

The road to health goes through creativity – or at least it does for me. My husband notices (before I do) when I haven’t been creative in some time because my mood changes. I start questioning everything in life, including the very purpose of it. I go into a depression-like state where I feel empty and sad all the time. That condition can only be cured by being creative. I know then that I need to write, paint och sew. And if I do, for a few hours at least, I will feel much better and become more happy almost immediately. It’s uncanny, really.

If being creative is written into our DNA we should prioritize spending some time on being creative. This might be obvious to some people, but the truth is that creativity is not appreciated enough in our everyday life. A lucky few can make a living being creative but most of us must endure a 9to5 and then go home and spend time on a ”hobby” that will never become anything more. Just thinking about it makes me sad – and it is the reason why I didn’t become an artist but a teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job, but at heart I will always be an artist. 

Did you know that there are scientific proof that creative people become more evolved when it comes to feelings, reflection, empathy and sympathy? Well, there are. And it is completely logic. Of course that is the case. When you create something, you evolve. You learn new things and you broaden your perspective on things. So get out there and create! You will feel better and you will contribute to the worlds beauty and emotional evolution. It’s just common sense.